The Cheetah Research

This is arguably something that is closest to my heart, among other things. And it has always been well-received too. The article has been edited and re-edited, published and republished so many times over.

But today, I shall share with you the original unedited manuscript of the ‘research’, first written when I was 15, sometime in September 2004 (I was in Class 10th then) and believe it or not, it was barely half-a-page long! I had included this for comedic value in a letter I wrote to my high school crush. If you are reading this, you know who you are. Took some while to dig up this almost 8-year old little piece of paper, something which had been tucked away for good, along with happy old childhood memories. Read & enjoy. A happy weekend to you. Cheers!

No, this isn’t a “research” on the behaviour of cheetahs. It’s about your behaviour on confrontation with a cheetah. Suppose you are going through a dense forest in the middle of the night and you encounter a cheetah. Discussed below are “common” ways of escaping it:

  • You are quick enough. You pick up your 0.22 rifle. Aim. Fire! The cheetah is an endangered/protected species. So how does it feel to stay 7 years away from home? Is your prison cell good enough to hold you and your rifle? Sorry. No comments.
  • Try running away. Anyway, for your kind information, the cheetah runs at 120 kmph, almost 5 times faster than your fastest speed. Before you say “aaj nahin yaar, phir kabhi”, CHOMP! CHOMP! You taste better than it thought. A compliment? Thank you!
  • Suddenly, you realize that the cheetah belongs to the cat family. So you take out your packet of Nandini milk to lure it and start singing and dancing, “aja aja, main hoon pyar tera…” The cheetah advances. But before you realize that it is heading not towards the milk, but towards… BURP! ‘Tribal dancers’ are the cheetah’s most favourite dish, you know? Moral of the story? Pasteurize before you serve – whether the milk or the cheetah depends on you.
  • You decide you are “braver” than the rest and try to scare the cheetah away. You take out a match-box and light a match. But the cheetah has other plans. It assumes you are lighting a camp-fire. It loves camping at home, especially after a non-veg dinner.

The outcome of the “research”? It is better not to go into a dense forest in the middle of the night. If you do, hold onto your nerves and pray that you don’t encounter  a cheetah, and if you do encounter one, then leave the rest to God, because you may be heading there a few minutes later…

The Reason We All Have A Name

It is widely believed that teenage is that part of our lives when we’re most self-conscious about ourselves. We resort to doing some pretty crazy stuff when we’re alone or bored. Before you begin to drift off, I suggest you go on reading this.

I mean, it is believed teenage is that age when people are supposed to be going through an identity crisis, searching for their identity, their own place in this big bad world. And in a well-meant quest to build self-esteem, they think of ways which will convince them that they are no less than anybody else in the crowd. Stuff like google-ing their own names to look out for any interesting results that might show up, or making acronyms of the same. I’m sure we’ve all done all that, right? So, it doesn’t really come as a surprise if I say that as a teenager a few years ago, I too indulged in all these stuff. And some more!

Googling my name was not much of a help. All that I could find was my name in various entrance test rank-lists- CET, COMED-K, et al. Acronym, yes. And now, when I look back, I don’t think I might really be all that my name stood for. Anyway.

Then there was the personalized ‘crest’! As an avid Harry Potter fan back then, I tried to design a crest for myself, just like the ones Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin Houses had! (To those who have no idea what I am talking about, I’m sorry to say you’ve lived an incomplete childhood). The crest had my name written in the shortest possible way, and the way it turned out, it happened to spell ‘AE’. Now, AE could stand for a lot of things- Albert Einstein (one of those nerd dudes I idolized back in school, his theories of relativity and the famous twin paradox) or Aerospace Engineering (that was my dream career path), or how my full name had exactly the same number of letters as Zaheer Khan’s (and 5 letters in common too!), or how I had curly hair just like Sachin Tendulkar, or how my sprinting style was so similar to Michael Johnson… That’s not coincidence, you know, it’s called the ‘teenage effect’! What’s more, I even went all the way and got myself a T-shirt done, which had both my crest as well as the acronym on the front, with the sole intention of strutting around wearing it (“like a boss”). I’m not sure if I succeeded, I used to be way too shy to be a show-off (unfortunate!). Nevertheless, this is how the front of that T-shirt looked like. I still have it with me. Fond memories.

P.S. But it doesn’t mean I’m any better now. I’m as insane a jerk as I always was. People mature with age, so that makes me a matured jerk.

I am       NAUGHTY
I am       AWESOME
I am       VIBRANT
I am       ELEGANT 
I am       NAVEEN
Do the new.

Post Number One

This happens to be my first ever blog post. Not really an achievement I must admit, but nevertheless no less remarkable. This has always been on the back of my mind for ages now. But I kept pushing it further back for some reason, or no reason.

I know many of my friends who took to blogging (I came to know only when they forced me to read theirs). Either I was too lazy (I still am) or I never took myself too seriously (I still don’t), enough to “take the plunge”, as I like to call it.

Look, I love talking alright, only to people close enough to me, mind you. The rest still call me ‘shy’, so no harm done. I love talking about things that I love doing, matters I like, people I adore, and rest of the time, I just end up talking about myself all the time. Ask my friends, they’ll vouch for that one. Does that make me a self-centered, egoistic jerk? I think not. I guess it’s got more to do with poor communication skills on my part, and a clear lack of ideas during a one-on-one conversation. My opinion is backed up with the fact that I more often than not end up using self-deprecating humor as a conversation starter. I’m sure my friends will agree with me on that too.

Anyway, going back, the thing that did it was… One of these days, I happened to be in a (one-way) conversation with my friend Shilpa, and I was going on and on about Superman vs Shaktimaan, when she suddenly popped the question to me: “You know what, you talk a lot! Why don’t you start blogging?” Apart from politely-indirectly asking me to shut up, she gave me an idea! But let us not blame her even if she is partly the reason I have started writing this. She is a sweet girl, she is.

I was, and I still am, of the opinion that a blog is a regular log of events. Regular. That’s the word. And that’s what I’m most allergic to. That partly explains why I took so long. Anyway, Wikipedia says:

A blog (a portmanteau of the term web log) is a discussion or information site published on the World Wide Web consisting of discrete entries (“posts”) typically displayed in reverse chronological order so the most recent post appears first. Blogs are usually the work of a single individual, occasionally of a small group, and often are themed on a single subject.

I assure you I shall try my best to stick to this definition. But I just cannot promise ‘regular’, okay? That’s the disclaimer I am starting with. Looking forward to some good times. Good day… Cheers!